I was talking with a friend yesterday who I hadn’t been able to catch up with for awhile. We’ve both been busy and it seemed like when I had time to spare, he didn’t and when he did I was in the middle of something. And this is important to understand because when we talk, it is serious marathon talking sessions. Like hours. We have both actually killed our cell phone batteries talking on the phone for hours before. It seems to be very difficult for us to have a 5 minute quick catch up call. So carving out time is essential.
He is recently divorced and thinking about getting back out there. It’s a little scary to put yourself out there after years of married life. Whether we like it or not, times are different. We’re not in our 20s and the bar scene just isn’t cool anymore. Actually, I don’t like the bar scene at all. I mean, it just seems like a trap to me now. I’m sure I’m quite alone in this, but you go to a place where you spend way more money for a beer or wine or whatever, plus you have to tip, plus you have to then get in your car and drive! Skanky guys and girls are trying to pick each other up with their alcohol fueled hormones raging. The music is so loud you have to shout so the person right next to you can hear you, and after saying “What??!!!????” two times, you just nod and agree even though you still have no idea what was just said. You know I’m right.
Anyway, that’s just not a good scene for anyone in their 40s. It looks sad, desperate, pathetic. I think that’s why so many dating websites have popped up. People our age should not be going to a bar for a one night stand. Didn’t growing up in the 80s teach you anything??? There is way too much ICK, and you’re never going to find a nice guy or girl in a dark skanky bar. A nightclub is fun on those rare occasions when a friend is getting married (or remarried) and the girls want to go get their dance on. There are several local bars that also have complete outside areas with their own bars, maybe a live band, but plenty of seating away from the noise if you want to actually hold a conversation. So I give them a thumbs up too. No bar in a shopping strip. No bar that is just a bar with a jukebox, old cracked bar stools and the bartender calls out your name cuz you’re there at least once a week. (Tuesday night girls night out anyone???)
He is really struggling with the “where can I meet a nice girl who might actually want a relationship?” while juggling a job, the visitation schedule with the kids and taking care of his house. It’s a lot harder than it used to be. It’s not all about those cute dating site commercials where they’re holding hands on a roller coaster (even though they probably shouldn’t be ON a roller coaster unless he took his blood pressure medication that morning) or running your shopping cart into some hot chick in the produce department and then you end up married 6 months later. That doesn’t happen.
My advice to him was it will happen when it happens. Not very helpful right? But it always seems that someone pops into your life when you least expect it, or at least aren’t looking for it. So I told him this will change when he starts focusing on himself and not looking for someone all the time. When you’re happy with yourself, and comfortable in your own shoes, it seriously puts off that “attraction vibe” and people are drawn to you. So focusing on your own happiness solves 2 problems!
Just don’t find your happiness in a bar. It never ends well………