It has it out for me. I know it sounds self-centered and maybe a bit more than a little unrealistic, but I’m pretty sure I’m right. And waking up this morning seemed to confirm it.
Winter hates me.
It’s a pretty obvious fact that I hate winter, so it’s no surprise that it hates me back. It has been going on too long. It’s been too cold. It’s been snowing way too much. I woke up this morning to more snow on the ground, more in the forecast along with bitter cold temperatures. Another big storm is in the near future.
As I sat hovering over yet another cup of coffee this morning, under my fuzzy warm blanket, it dawned on me how much this winter has had an effect on me. I am going through some frightening hard times right now. I have withdrawn. Retreated. Hiding under my blanket for more reasons than just warmth.
It makes me sad, to my very core, that I feel like the sunny positive me has taken a hiatus. The cold hurts my bones. My body reminds me that my hypothyroidism does not help my lifelong aversion to any temperature below 50. The constant grey skies seem endless.
I’ve been trying to do things that will help me. I’ve resumed my purging on the basement. I find countless photo albums (seriously, there must be at least 30 of them!) with pictures of people gone from my life. Some for the good, some not so much. I miss the not-so-much people sometimes.
I’ve been doing yoga at home. Sun Salutations (which seems ironic since there is no sun) and stretches. Wishing I could do the splits like everyone else in class. I’ve never been able to do the splits. Not even when I was way younger and much more flexible. But I’m going to keep trying. An inch at a time, right?
I’ve been praying for a few friends of mine who are going through terrible struggles of their own. I had a friend once who swore we could never go through difficulties at the same time so we could always help each other. If only it could be forced that way.
I haven’t been able to focus. To organize. To write. I haven’t been posting to Facebook (to some people’s delight I’m sure!) because I don’t want to break my own rule of whining, complaining, negativity, and just general blah-ness can be so tiring to read post after post. When you have nothing nice to say, don’t say anything at all, right?
In the meantime, I’ll be the basement crying over a photo album, or in Down Dog or working on my split (probably crying over that too!) waiting for this weather to release its hold on me. Hoping against hope that damages can be repaired. Relationships can be mended. Healing, forgiveness and grace can be given.