2 kinds of people in this world

Yea, I stole that from Lindsey Buckingham. So shoot me. Well, don’t. Not yet anyway. You might want to after you read this. And I’ll preface the rest with this. I’m not trying to be mean. I’m trying to understand. Got it??

Something struck me last week and I decided to ponder it, look at it, exam it, and then ponder it some more. Still have no clearer understanding than I did before. So here it goes……Why do certain people seem to just suck the air (ie; joy, happiness, light, love, positivity, good vibes, etc) from everything they touch?

I know several people that rarely (I won’t say never, cuz that’s not fair) have anything good or nice or decent or happy or wonderful or anything to say/post/write about and it’s just flat out draining. It’s almost like they look for something to bitch about instead of looking at the positive side of it. Example: (photo of dinner out at a restaurant) UGH! The waiter brought my plate and it has ASPARAGUS as the side and I HATE asparagus!

REALLY????

Ok, how about being flipping grateful that you could afford to go out to dinner? How about being happy with the company you’re with? How about you eat everything on your plate except the dreaded asparagus? HMMM?????

Of course, that’s just a made up example. The list of complaints are endless. “No one fact checked that article/picture of a puppy/Bill Cosby quote.” “I hate spiders and posting that cute puppy dressed up as a huge spider freaked me right out.” On and on and on and on and ON!

Now, I have been accused of being the opposite. Too “Pollyanna-ish” for most people. I get that. I like to look at the bright side of the equation if I can. I try to look for the positive, find my inner zen. It’s not always possible because sometimes the avalanche of people who try to take me down can be overwhelming at times. But I try. And if laughter and positive attitudes and lifting up instead of tearing down is wrong, I don’t wanna be right. (Please read that last sentence like Arsenio Hall from Coming to America because that’s totally how it sounded in my head)

So why do certain people go through life like that? Do they love the attention the get when people ask what’s wrong when they post nothing but “UGH!” or how crappy their day was? Is it easier for them to be bleak than happy? I don’t mean fake happiness either. I have dear dear friends who suffer true depression. Even in that state, they don’t look for the bad. It might be harder to see the good, but they are actively looking for bad.

I will proudly go around trying to see the positive in a world that sometimes feel like it’s crumbling at my feet. Because life is better laughing than finding the bad. There’s enough bad. The good needs highlighting too. And laughter fixes almost everything. If it doesn’t fix it, it at least can make it tolerable. So I’ll sing my song, and go insane, like I always do. But I’ll be ignoring your whiny, sad, depressing posts. Cuz I’m not like you.

Lindsey buckingham

Another goal….accomplished!

So this morning I hit another milestone in my weight loss journey. I had hit a dreaded plateau where I was stuck for a few weeks. I hadn’t altered my diet, and in fact, I had added my twice weekly barre class thinking I would see even faster results. Instead, I was just maintaining. It was frustrating but I persevered.

This morning I jumped on the scale and there it was! I have officially lost 60 pounds! (60.5 to be exact!) Wooo hoooo!!!!I was so excited I wanted to shout it from the rooftops and tell everyone I saw! Instead, I enjoyed the moment to myself. I slipped on my workout clothes and headed to barre with determination and a little extra joy in my heart.

Doing barre this morning was KILLER! I was a sweaty, shaky, oh-my-God-I-don’t-think-I-can-do-one-more-rep mess. My face was red. My muscles were quivering uncontrollably. There wasn’t enough water my Venti size Starbucks water glass by a long shot. Thank God they provide towels or I might have had to use toilet paper to sop up the streams running down my face. But I did it!!

Now, the old me would seriously consider celebrating this moment with food. I know. Sabotage and counter-productive, but I still would’ve done it. A nice plate of nachos anyone? At the very least some chocolate. I was thinking about that as I was drip drying on my drive home. And how it honestly, honestly, HONESTLY just doesn’t even sound appealing to me in the least. I’ve come to that place in my journey where food doesn’t have to be the comforter, the consoler, the celebration, the momentary fix. I have become hyper-aware of what I put in my body. I log EVERYTHING! One M&M gets logged. Really. It keeps me focused and accountable to no one but myself.

And that, I think, is one of the biggest lessons learned and I believe I’ve blogged about it before, is that this is for ME! No one would know if I did eat a candy bar. But **I** would know. And as the pounds came on, I could lie to myself very easily. My family still loved me, my friends still loved me, my kids, my dog, it didn’t matter what the scale said. But I didn’t love me enough to see what I was doing to myself. Not to anyone else. I wasn’t hurting anyone with my extra large Blizzard. But I was hurting ME. I didn’t like being the fat friend, the fat wife, the fat mom. Call me what you will. But I didn’t like it. And who could fix that? No one but me.

So with the help, encouragement, support and endless praise, that same husband, children, friends and my dog (hee hee!) I was able to start this process. And look where I am today! Woooo flipping hoooooo!!!!! I have gone from “obese” to “normal” on the BMI chart. Well into normal. (Me?? Normal?? Never!!) I know a lot can be said about all those charts and graphs, both positive and negative, but it was still nice to see.

So what did I do instead of coming home to food? I cut the grass in the sweltering midday heat. I drank more water. I showered. And now, I’m going to plot out my next set of goals and have a homemade recovery smoothie. Because THAT, I deserve!

weightloss scale

Winter’s Death Grip

It has it out for me. I know it sounds self-centered and maybe a bit more than a little unrealistic, but I’m pretty sure I’m right. And waking up this morning seemed to confirm it.

Winter hates me.

It’s a pretty obvious fact that I hate winter, so it’s no surprise that it hates me back. It has been going on too long. It’s been too cold. It’s been snowing way too much. I woke up this morning to more snow on the ground, more in the forecast along with bitter cold temperatures. Another big storm is in the near future.

As I sat hovering over yet another cup of coffee this morning, under my fuzzy warm blanket, it dawned on me how much this winter has had an effect on me. I am going through some frightening hard times right now. I have withdrawn. Retreated. Hiding under my blanket for more reasons than just warmth.

It makes me sad, to my very core, that I feel like the sunny positive me has taken a hiatus. The cold hurts my bones. My body reminds me that my hypothyroidism does not help my lifelong aversion to any temperature below 50. The constant grey skies seem endless.

I’ve been trying to do things that will help me. I’ve resumed my purging on the basement. I find countless photo albums (seriously, there must be at least 30 of them!) with pictures of people gone from my life. Some for the good, some not so much. I miss the not-so-much people sometimes.

I’ve been doing yoga at home. Sun Salutations (which seems ironic since there is no sun) and stretches. Wishing I could do the splits like everyone else in class. I’ve never been able to do the splits. Not even when I was way younger and much more flexible. But I’m going to keep trying. An inch at a time, right?

I’ve been praying for a few friends of mine who are going through terrible struggles of their own. I had a friend once who swore we could never go through difficulties at the same time so we could always help each other. If only it could be forced that way.

I haven’t been able to focus. To organize. To write. I haven’t been posting to Facebook (to some people’s delight I’m sure!) because I don’t want to break my own rule of whining, complaining, negativity, and just general blah-ness can be so tiring to read post after post. When you have nothing nice to say, don’t say anything at all, right?

In the meantime, I’ll be the basement crying over a photo album, or in Down Dog or working on my split (probably crying over that too!) waiting for this weather to release its hold on me. Hoping against hope that damages can be repaired. Relationships can be mended. Healing, forgiveness and grace can be given.

walking winter

GNO

Going out tonight and I can not wait! There is nothing better than going out with friends, surrounded by love and laughter and catching up. It’s so hard to do sometimes when everyone is so busy with family and kids schedules and dates with husbands. And let’s be honest, sometimes by the time Friday rolls around we’re just too exhausted to go out anywhere. Nights like those are best spent in sweatpants with a good movie and some popcorn.

I think I have mentioned before some women have the luxury of going out every week with their peeps. That’s awesome if you can get away. Maybe doing it weekly is a great way to get away from the house, have some girl time, have a few brews and be back home by midnight. I just don’t have that kind of energy! When my alarm goes off at 5:30, I could cry as it is, let alone after being out drinking the night before. I don’t begrudge anyone who does it, more power to you! I just can’t even imagine. My head hurts thinking about it.  

Getting together with a core group of women for dinner and/or drinks once a month is awesome for my schedule and doesn’t leave me feeling guilty for going out. And sometimes after something has happened in one of our lives, the best thing to do is get together with a group, talk it out, know you have the love and support of your friends, have some major laugh-til-ya-cry rounds and walk out with a better perspective. Isn’t that part of the appeal of a GNO? Laughing, talking, bonding, supporting, and lifting UP. Always up, never down. And with a group, there are more shoulders to stack on one another to lift even the worst week possible out of the pit of despair. It’s a fabulous thing. 

I’m so glad to be going out tonight and supporting these women. Tomorrow at yoga I might be telling a different story……..